Its a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

I have been crazy busy this month… we (mike g and I) did the Outspoken Comedy Tour the entire month of September.. it took a lot of time and effort but it was so worth it… we book and promote the entire tour ourselves.. side note we brought a new guy to open for us this year who kicked ass such a solid choice Dj Dangler.. He’s on me friends list so add him if you haven’t already.. but anyways it has been a LONG and BUSY month.. not a lot of free time.. but like I said we got a lot accomplished… with this month coming to an end I have a couple days to myself which is much needed..

so I took the motorcycle out for a ride today… it was sooo nice out.. Perfect weather.. theres something about riding the motorcycle that’s so relaxing so relieving.. as dangerous and scary the idea of dieing at any moment on that thing is, the amount of peacefulness is priceless… I drove way out to these country roads today… giant cornfields, rusty old antenna towers, gravel driveways at least a mile long leading up to huge Midwest houses sticking out just a few feet in front of barns and silos that look 100 years old.. I grew up in Ohio so im used to seeing these images but lately like I said we have been hopping from city to city so all I see is rough pavement , street lights and the never ending yellow lines of the empty highway in the middle of the night. It was so refreshing to be out on these what seem to be forgotten roads. It’s a totally different lifestyle out there…Slower.. Quieter.. Reminded me of growing up ya know… so carefree, so private, so beautiful…where the only thing you had to worry about was getting a bee sting from running barefoot in the backyard… now my life is filled with bills, deadlines, baggage claim lines at the airport and gas prices. I want to go back to eating hot dogs on the back porch at dusk instead of McDonalds on the way home from a gig at 2am. I don’t wanna seem like I am complaining because im not im merely reflecting on a time that was simpler, which I think we all do that with our jobs from time to time. Like I said earlier it was so nice to escape reality for just heartbeat and see a small piece of the world tucked away in the backyard of the booming city of Indianapolis. I think we all need to see life at different angles sometimes…makes you stronger.. makes you realize how small yet how big this world really is…

I didn’t have my camera with me of course…but I did have my phone so I took a couple of pictures.. I edited the colors but I think they are pretty cool… I wanna go back with my camera this week… the picture of the road with the trees is amazing… I found a tunnel of trees out in the middle of nowhere, it was so warm riding in the sun and when I went into this cave of trees it was 40 degrees cooler.. it was like I found an underground path It was amazing.. I can’t explain it I just wish I could everyone there as stupid as that sounds..

Community Service

So I live in the Broad Ripple area of Indianapolis IN now… its kind of like a downtown of a city and campus had sex and out came the broad ripple area. So im walking down the street around 2pm-ish having a convo with the moms on me celluar telephone… all of sudden this lady starts screaming for my attention from this porch.

"Hold on a second mom… YEAH!?"

"Come here!"
(not moving closer) "Yes? Do you need something??"

"You got a friend with ya?"
(Standing alone on the sidewalk, I look side to side and behind me)

"….no"

"Can you go get someone?"

"…no…do you need something?"

"Yeah..i need you to grab a buddy, come inside…and help me move this TV out of the basement!"

are we fucking serious?!? I mean maybe in the 50's this would have been an okay thing… nice dressed lady, little light jazz music in the background, shes sweeping off her front porch, or watering some plants but NOT this lady.. no.. not this day in age.. she looks like shes been ridden more times than the tilt a whirl at the state fair.. cigarette in her mouth and one in her other hand just ready for the other one to burn out.. bandana… jean shorts that were cut from full length jeans at one point.. tank top with the AC/DC logo.. death metal playing in the background.. 9 children in the yard… I tell ya what lady, why don't we make these little bastards team up and form an ultimate child makeshift megatron robot and have them do your manual labor since clearly you ran off anything with a spine and a set of balls…
My mother being my mother is freaking out on the phone of course…

"Michael.. michael …you cant just go into strange women's houses…"

"Ma, if she was hotter there would have been no questions asked, id have to call you later.."

"Michael… tell me your joking… those are the stories you here about.."

"Yea…in playboy ma!"

Butt Hole

So im standing in line waiting to be seated at one of my favorite places in the world.. Applebees..yes im serious.. im with a group of people and the only other person in the little waiting area is the black guy… hes talking on his Bluetooth ear piece.. Side note: black people LOVE the Bluetooth.. almost as much as they love the gold tooth.. anyways all of sudden this guy just says “.. yea.. I know.. he was acting like a real butt hole..”. Now theres two things wrong with this.

1) I haven’t heard the word “butt hole” since I was like 6 years old.
2) He was black… black guys are waaayyy too cool to use a word like butt hole.. I mean come on.. black guys are the smoothest dudes on the face of the planet.. old white preachers don’t use the word “butt hole”.. an old white preacher would say something like .. “yea I know that guy was being a fucking jerk”.

How funny is the word butt hole… say it out loud.. go ahead.. you will giggle your ass off. Now imagine being in public and hearing a complete stranger say it in an angry manner AND they just happen to look like their talking to a ghost because they have their ear piece in.

I wish I had a time machine… but im afraid I wouldn’t use it for anything good.. I would just like to go back in time and watch words like “butt hole” be used for the first time in history. Don’t you ever hear something and go… who the fuck made that up?? I would LOVE to be there the first time someone got soooo mad that they called another person a butt hole. Can’t you just see two men arguing…

Frank- “You know jim…I gotta tell ya… lately you’ve been getting on my nerves..”
Jim- “oh yea.. so what!”
Frank- “Im just saying, maybe you could start doing more around here and stop being such a … a..”
Jim- “ a what frank?! Huh?! Huh?! Come on! Call me a jerk.. tell me im stupid.. let me have it!”
Frank- “ Lately you’ve been a real.. a reeeaaall.. BUTT HOLE!”
Jim-“………. A what?”
Frank- “A Butt hole jim… you remind me of the hole in my butt!!..”

Don’t you ever hear words or phrases and want to know where the hell they came from… someone had to be the first person to say this stuff. “Happy Birthday! You look like a monkey and you smell like one too!”.. what?!? You know some drunk just blurted that out randomly one time while everyone was singing.. and they laughed and laughed.. and one guy went home to his wife, telling her all the cool stuff that happened at the birthday party..

Bob- “..yea.. then he opened some gifts.. I think todd got him a fishing rod..”
Mary- “Did he like the giftcard we got him?”
Bob-“ Yea.. he said he loves that coffee shop.. he said to tell you thank you.. then his wife brought out the cake and we all started singing… oh oh.. and then were all singing right, and out of nowhere jim just yells out – You look like a monkey… and you smell like one too!- just out of nowhere.. it was soooo funny..”
Mary-“ wait.. he called martin a monkey?”
Bob- “yea.. and we laughed, I think I even peed a little..”
Mary-“I don’t think that’s funny.. I mean a monkey?... and then to tell him he smelled like one too.. I think that’s taking it a little too far.. this jim guy sounds like a real butt hole.”

Rush Hour 3 : Yea We Get It...

Here is my movie review for Rush Hour 3... because its everywhere you look these days, mcdonalds cups..billboards..pop up ads.. so i tried to watch it the other night.. yes TRIED..
Rush Hour 3 :

Yea we get it... some chinese people and black people talk funny..
Yea we get it.. Jackie Chan is 70 and can still do a back flip...
Yea we get it.. Chris Tucker talks loud and knows way to much about Michael Jackson..
Yea we get it.. The hot chick isnt as innocent as she looks.. figured that out the first and second movie you made...

Chris Tucker said he dosnt do alot of movies because he is afraid of failure.. well guess what chrissy.. your worst fear has come true.. this movie was HORRIBLE.. and im a Rush Hour fan.. who dosnt love the movie Rush Hour?? exactly.. but theres only so many times i can watch the same movie only in a different city..

So in short... I'd have to say.. yea we get it.. move on.. start returning ice cubes phone calls chris... you need another hit..

Having fun in Bowling Green!

We took the Outspoken Tour to Grumpy Dave's in Bowling Green, OH and it was soooo much fun.. we all had great sets.. the crowd was just amazing.. it was the last stop on our 20 stop tour all over the midwest..stay tuned for next falls tour dates and dont miss the show when we come to town!...heres a couple clips from the night..

Happy 07

I hope everyone had a kick ass holiday with friends and family..if not i hope you didnt drink yourself into a coma.. (is that how you spell coma? maybe its comma? no thats stupid.. whatever spelling means in a vegitable state..fuck.. is that how you spell vegitable? all the fucking technology in the world and they cant add a spell check to myspace?!? )

FRIENDS, FANS, AND FAMILY

I just wanna say THANK YOU to everyone who has made this year as wonderful as it has been for me, from just emails saying hey, to people who bought CDs, to people who came out to the shows.. I hope you all had as much fun as i did.. and ill try and keep things interesting for ya! This year has been pretty wild, it started off pretty calm but as i kept telling some of my close friends i thought 07 was going to be my year and it definitely was from being booked solid the last quarter of the year to selling over 100 copies of my CD that i released a few months ago, setting up a 20 stop comedy tour at some of the biggest name clubs in the Midwest with some of my closet friends and fellow comics, the CW Star auditioning being in the top 10 finalist, and well to be honest i couldn't have done ONE of those things without YOU! So my heart goes out to all of you whoever and where ever you are.. I cant say it enough, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart i appreciate it.

THANK YOU

Oklahoma City

so im sitting in the Oklahoma City Airport waiting on my delayed flight... what a perfect time for a trip.. middle of these fucking snow storms packing 5 inches of ice along with them.. i knew i was gonna have problems getting home because when i flew in to oklahoma i got stuck in kansas.. let me tell ya that was the smallest airport ive ever seen,, it was so small they didnt have loud speakers it was just some redneck yelling across the lobby.."Flight # 11..now boarding... and dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!" I flew from columbus OH to St Louis MI then was supposed to land in Oklahoma City OK.. we circled oklahoma for an hour before we landed in Kansas... the pilot came on the speaker and goes "umm folks theres alot of fog over oklahoma so we cant land right now so what we are going to do it refuel and go back and circle for roughly hour to an hour and a half and if we cant land we will take everyone back to St Louis"... not what i wanted to hear when showtime is 800pm that night... so the headliner who also happens to be a very good friend of mine Derek Richards drives to kansas and picks my sorry ass up...

the weekend was fun, the club was beautiful and the staff was nice.. ill post some pics of this place it was amazing.. ive never been to a nicer place... two giant grand pianos on stage..which i attempted to play in the middle of our last show lol... we stayed at this shitty days inn hotel across town which judging by the sounds they had children doing the house cleaning... or maybe it was bring your kid to work weekend.. whatever it was they woke me up every two hours in the mornings... part of an undeclared wake up call...

so that takes us today where i have offically taken my first ever taxi ride... the driver was a huge womens basketball fan... he not only knew stats but family backgrounds on these girls... borderline creepy... and he kind of did a dick move to get more money from me.. right as we were pulling up to the airport he was tlaking about his only son coming home from iraq for xmas and how much the plane ticket cost... "aaawweee" right..WRONG.. i mean god bless that his son is coming home for xmas but to bring up right before i tip you..,come on... i aint stupid... we aint in kansas anymore dorthy...so that takes us to now, sitting here not wanting to pay 8 bucks to get online... thinking im not gonna make it home tonight... i dont really get nervous when i fly but i do this weird game in my head.. where i look at the people on the flight and i judge them..not in a bad way just in a safe way.. like this plane cant go down because that guy has to be too important to die.. like i look for people and judge how important they are and if theres enough of them theres no way the plane is going down because the world couldnt function without them...but i gotta be honest here people... two guys with mullets are my flight this time... so its hard telling if im making it home or not tonight...

So i made it home..barely.. my flight was de-fucking-layed big time.. it was supposed to leave at 615.. then 715..then 725..then 745..755.. finally we board the plane at 8pm.. its only a 45 min flight back to columbus OH. So i pass out and was gonna sleep on the way home..i wake up 35mins later and we are sitting on the runway still. Yea, not impressed. The pilot comes out and says "Sorry im on overtime" and walks off the plane. Someone comes on the loudspeaker and tells us another pilot is on his way, we will be taking off in 15mins... long story short we sat on the plane til 10pm...2 fucking hours just sitting on a plane.. oh well at least we made it home.

Oklahoma where the buffalo roam and so does my cell phone..

Heres a quick description of the place.. its called Bricktown.. so the entire place is, you guessed it, BRICKS... its soo nice.. and the club is one giant building with like 6 different other clubs inside.. theres a hip dance room, an 80s dance room, a karokee room, live rock band room, coffee shop, and the comedy club is downstairs.. the whole place has a color theme to it, the whole place is all deep reds and golds and like a purple color.. it was beautiful...

Youngstown OHIO aka 1998

So im trapped in the late 90's... not really but thats the vibe that this town gives off.. i keep waiting for Kurt Loader to give me my MTV news.. or for stone temple pilots to come on the air with their new hit.. Im in Youngstown OH.. and i cant explain it, it just feels like i went back in time to 1998ish... the whole town has a weird like gloomy feeling to it.. and this fucking wireless connection in this hotel is shabby at best.. its like getting a handjob from a really hot girl.. cause its a handjob, awful right.. but then again its from a hot chick.. so the signal sucks but when it works its fucking wireless internet in my room.. im so used to having to go to the lobby or hallway to try and negotiate a signal.

Theres a football team here to for the weekend.. i think all they packed was their warm up outfits.. ive seen them on like 8 different occasions and they are all dressed the exact same way.. its like a weird cult..with a kicker.. and i dont know what they feed these kids either cause they are all like 6'5, 280 pounds.. even the asian kid on the team is pushing 240... the parents of one of the kids was downstairs this morning, it was like watching "Friday Night Lights" Live... The dad was mixing anger in his pep talk to a couple of the boys.. almost too scripted.. "Im so proud of you boys.. i drove 55 miles to be here to watch you out on that glorious field today.. thats a long trip.. but i know it will be worth it because you boys are gonna bring home that W.."....

I got in early yesterday... i thought the show started at 730.. so i came here around 530ish so i could check in and relax before the show, turns out the show started at 9pm... yea so i sat up in my room feeling like a douche bag for 3 hours.. trying to position my laptop just right so i check all the no messages i got on myspace. Then for some reason i started looking up porno... but like i said this signal kept going in and out.. now you really dont know how perverted you are until your trying to get off to a choppy video of some "teenager" getting banged in the back of a van.. the video would play for like 8 secs then stop for 15sec then start again... it was like getting head from a girl who stutters. "d-d-do yo-o-u like t-t-t-t-t-hhha-t ba-b-b-y?".

The show last night was awesome.. Im here at the Funny Farm doing guest sets all weekend so i can hopefully get future work from the club.. so last night we had a radio guy here, an mcee, me, the feature (Chad Zumock-very funny check him out) and the headliner (Tammy Pescatelli from last comic standing).. so we had to keep it really tight, so i only did 5 mins last night.. but the crowd was amazing like i said, i had 4 applause breaks in the 5 min set i did.. it felt sooooo good.. i dont wanna sound to bragish but i do wanna express what an amazing feeling it was.. i ended up selling 3 CDs last night too.. i think im supposed to do 15 mins tonight so we will see how it goes.. hopefully i dont bomb and look like a one hit wonder lol.. wish me luck ;)

i think thats all i got for my random blog thoughts for today... ill let ya know how tonight goes..

Team Spirit

Let me start out by saying.. I DON'T WATCH SPORTS! So any views or opinions you think are bullshit or you want to call me out on just please remember I DON'T watch sports. K? K...

Now im all for team spirit and you can cheer and root and hope and pray for your team as much as you want, its just getting a little out of control here in Ohio. Everyone knows Ohio has the most hardcore college football fans in the world. Hands down. We riot if we win or lose. Yea. I know what your thinking.. " No way mike, we got the most hardcore fans EVER! Every game day we get up at 5am, my whole family my 3 sons, 7 daughters, wife and 90 yr old grandma all paint ourselves the team colors, then we show up 10 hours early to cookout and pre-game , then we scream until we lose our voices, buy all the foam fingers we can, then we go home and rewatch the same game on tivo with the same excitement, then we myspace the head coach and tell him what a great job he did.." umm.. You ever set your own car on fire? Then shut up. Ohio takes it to the extreme, every game day I have flash backs to my high school homecoming game. Because everything in town is painted school colors, every TV you turn on it's the game, every conversation starts and ends with the buckeyes, everyone in this god damn state wears jerseys, t-shirts, hoodies, hats, key chains, some paint their fucking cars on game day… I've never seen anything like it. Like I said I support team spirit, but it's gotten to the point where it's just fucking annoying. Example: I woke up this morning and threw on a t-shirt, today is a game day here in Ohio, I grabbed the first t-shirt in my closet.. Which just happened to say "Alabama" on it. A shirt that means nothing to me, it was on sale for $2.99… I proceed to go to Kroger for some food and I got the dirtiest looks ever! Even old people with altimerz gave me a dirty look then forgot they did and re-gave me a dirty look. I got hassled by the cashier, he almost didn't take my money because I was wearing another teams t-shirt.. REALLY?! Honestly what the fuck is wrong with you people?!? Do the buckeyes really control that much of your life that you cant sell me a product or shoot me a smile because im not wearing a fucking jersey and face paint on game day?!!?!? Look every once and awhile, maybe just on big game days I can understand, that's normal.. But EVERY fucking Saturday is wwwaayyy too much. If you live in Ohio you cannot escape it… Its borderline psychotic. I wish people put this much effort into something more positive than a couple college kids tossing a pig skin, like wouldn't it be nice to see these same people once a week wear something patriotic or wear something that stands for something that matters. Can you imagine the progress we'd make if once a week every in an entire state worked together on something other than praying for a field goal? I know im going to get to TONS of hate mail for this rant but I don't give a fuck.. take your ridiculously over priced jersey off before you comment on this… Makes me sooo happy when im out of state on a Saturday, I don't even want to leave my house anymore because of the ridiculous amount of team spirit. GO BUCKS!
Ps I know altimerz is spelled wrong…get over it, because spell check dosnt know either lol